Exploits of a Gymie

Foot Arche

Showing you where it hurts...my arch. Image via Wikipedia

As I am a gymie (or “gym newbie”), I’m forever fascinated by the spectacle that is the gym. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve hung out in gyms before. It’s just that I’ve never gone consistently, except for that stretch at P. Fit from Sept/Oct 09 to March of 2010. Going to a pricier gym, with classes and a ton of machines is a completely different experience. In the few days of my gymie-dom, I thought I would give all you gymophiles and old pros a look at a gym in the eyes of a gymie:

  • How do these people read magazines on machines? I took my trusty Runner’s World Begginer’s Special and an Essence magazine with me last night, and it was a bit hard to juggle. It probably would have been easier if I hadn’t chose the fat burn option on the bike, seeing as though I had to somehow hold the bars for the heart rate sensor and turn a page. I could never run or do the elliptical and read, though; it must be like watching Cops–a lot of shaky camera work and have digested images.
  • It should not be possible for this guy (who, being a guy, obviously has munk–“male junk”) to be this flexible! Just on his warm up stretches, he can put his foot places I’m sure a hubby would be VERY happy with seeing me do (he also may want to pinch himself–clearly he would be dreaming). He was like a Stretch Armstrong without the styrofoam balls on the inside. Other culprits: the bodybuilder guy, the elastic cheerleader…
  • Why are all of the older people in WAY better shape than me? Never mind the woman working out with the personal trainer (we’ll come back to her); what about the woman who did twenty-thirty crunches on the stability ball non-stop in the time it took me to walk over to the mats and set down my magazines? Or the woman who goes to the back to back spin classes…or the woman who kicked my butt in body attack?
  • How do people have enough hand/eye coordination and footwork agility to work out with a personal trainer? Seriously. I can NOT do fancy footwork on a step  while catching and throwing a medicine ball.
  • Some of you cardiophiles–how long can you possibly stay on a cardio machine? Can you add some hills or increase your speed so I might have a chance to get on the machine TODAY? I’m totally hating on you; I just wish I could do it.
  • How do you all sweat so much? The gym isn’t even hot. You go from completely dry to drenched in what seems like seconds. I never sweat that much! Is something wrong with me?
  • Why are the gym bike seats so uncomfortable? [TMI Alert!:] I have some painful chafing, butt wedgie, sore inner thigh/butt stuff going on after that ride. Is it possible to bring my own seat cushion/cover, or is that frowned upon?
  • I don’t get the obsession with the elliptical. Yeah, I said it.
  • How can you watch the evening news/ business new/ nightly report while doing cardio? If it’s not music, can you at least watch trashy reality TV, dumb shows about nothing, or awesome shows like Bones? Don’t go getting all smart in the gym! This is where the jocks/models (and me) hang!
  • People who love that stair machine that stimulates walking to the top of the empire state building: what about this says enjoyment to you? Why do you do this? They have a stairstepper, and it’s kinder on your knees.  

In other news, my foot injury persists. Oh, you haven’t heard about the foot injury? Maybe I didn’t mention it here. So on both feet (but especially on my right foot), I have some swelling from the highest point of my arch back to my heel. It’s puffy and swollen (like a blister or filled with water like thing), the veins near it are standing out (a first…you can see NONE of my veins…usually) and the skin around looks a little bruised. I have no idea what caused this, but on the right side, it hurts not only on my foot, but in my ankle, knee, and hip flexor (the left side is cool except foot). It only really hurts with a fast walk, jog or run. I have no idea what this is from, but it sucks and is painful. If anyone knows what it might be, please send me some info. You can leave a comment here or email me at 2blu2btru4u [at] gmail [dot] com

In the next Exploits of a Newbie, I’ll be talking about workout classes at the gym, and who knows what else!

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