4 & 20

In case you’re unaware,  the title of this post comes from a song that Joss Stone (who I love) sang for the soundtrack of Valentine’s Day. Knowing the song only marginally has anything to do with this post.

This post is a check in post on Decision 2012. No, not the presidential election decision, the other important decision to be made this year. We are officially in the last quarter of this year. How am I feeling? What am I doing? How will it all turn out?

To start with, this year hasn’t gone as smoothly as one would like a year of important decision making to go. There have been several things that have taken our individual and/or collective attentions off of the decisions we will have to make. Whether it’s my ever changing job responsibilities, car troubles, not being where we would want to be financially, etc., we have had life get in the way of our plans. But when is this ever not going to be the case?

I haven’t moved my deadline or changed my mind about needing us to come to some sort of decision about our relationship because of these inconveniences. To be honest, that’s how we got here. If things had been exactly like we wanted them and we were actually able to focus more fully on our relationship the past 4 years (and then some), we would either be married, be getting married, or have moved on by now. Life is never going to slow down. The timing is never going to be perfect. This is why premarital counseling is important; it allows you to make a decision you think is best, then really get into the nuts and bolts of how it will work, or if you can make it work at all. At this stage, I don’t know that there’s much left for us to talk about in premarital counseling, let alone things to be worked out! We’ve spent nearly five years talking about it without even deciding if the questions are even necessary.

How do I feel now that things are going down to the wire? A mixture of things. On the one hand, I would like to have a decision made before December 31st. It would seem more “authentic” to me either way if it didn’t come down to the wire. It’s up for debate whether I have the “right” to want authentic when I’m forcing putting a deadline on a decision, but that’s how I feel.

I also feel good in that things will not be dragged into another year of indecision. I don’t like living in limbo. Ending one phase of life at the end of the year and starting new in a new year has a certain symmetry that speaks to me. I will have a good amount of money saved, I will know if I am getting a bonus and what it could be, I will know what my pay raise will be (if any), my lease on my apartment will be up and I can decide if I am moving. At that point I will have enough time saved up to take a week if I need to to recover, and the resources to do so. I can plan a nice intimate wedding or a life changing new endeavor I will be able to devote a significantly larger amount of time and energy towards accomplishing. I’m excited about opening a new chapter in my life either way.

I’m leaving it in God’s hands. I am focusing on writing my book and getting established in my new roles at work. I’m brainstorming on my website. I’m discovering new parks to walk in while I’m thinking. I’m reading more books. I’m finding things to do with my time besides worry about if I’m ever going to get married. I like being back in this space.



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