A Decision That’s Not a Decision At All

Through the last few days I’ve been trying to figure out how to get this post done, and to be honest, I still haven’t figured it out yet. I’m sure that the lack of my flashing something shiny would let you know that I am not engaged to anyone, yet I am not exactly single either. I’m still in this weird limbo place, and it’s driving me crazy and making me MAD.

Let’s start closer to the beginning. The goal was to be able to make a decision about my relationship by the end of last year. Through countless discussions, two concurrent rounds of pre-marital counseling, two long weekend getaways, and a 90th birthday celebration, we worked our way through making a decision. Yet at this moment, though a decision has been made, I feel like there is no decision at all.

I talked to MensHealth on December 30th about what he had decided. At that time he told me that he couldn’t imagine his life in the future without me and he wanted to move forward to getting married. While that sounds like getting engaged/planning to get married, it hasn’t turned out to be that. He hasn’t actually proposed, which he says he plans to do, and he isn’t anymore willing to stop using if we get married, even though he’s stated his intention to get married. I feel like I’m getting swindled here.

During the above conversation, we talked about some things moving forward that were more concrete, and other than things on my end, none of those things have progressed beyond being talked about. I’m still being subjected to conversations about how this or that is contingent upon us getting engaged–the eternal “if.” I know, through all of my extensive research, that the longer you would take to move forward with plans you are making to marry within this calendar year, the harder (and more expensive) it will be to pull off. If you don’t want to make any plans until you propose, fine. But that means if you propose in March, but want to be married this year, you have a really intensive (and, again, expensive) road ahead. It really sounds like to me despite what he says that he really just isn’t ready to be engaged, let alone married. And I am not willing to marry anyone this unsure. Heck, I wouldn’t buy a deordant that says it may or may not prevent excessive sweating and body odor.

We have decided to spend more time apart. I think that’s best. If he’s not willing to move forward in a concrete way, then I need to step back and start focusing on other things. If you read my other blog, then you know my car was totaled this past week. I will have to stop taking my class, as I won’t have a ride each week. The money I planned to save by not having a car payment is gone. Because of how I lowered my car insurance when I paid off the car less than a month ago, I am not covered for most of the damages. Luckily, I was not at fault and the other driver was DUI, so I should get a settlement from his insurance company. No matter what happens, my plans for moving forward in my career and financially have effectively been derailed.

At this point, I don’t know what this is supposed to teach me or do for me. I have no nuggets of wisdom or advice about anything. I have no real plans for going forward. This very moment, I am revising my book and reordering my schedule. I am taking comfort from the scriptures and the thoughts, prayers and visits of friends. I am living.



This entry was posted in God & Faith, This Is How I Really Feel and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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