When You’ve Said What You Wanted to Say…

In the blink of an eye, nearly three years have passed me by. I look back on the entries up to this point and I want so much to wrap the girl in these entries in a big bear hug and cry it out. I also want to grab her by her shoulders and shake some sense into her.

Life has changed since I kept this log of frustrations and failures. You could say nearly everything about my external circumstances changed. I don’t live in the same city, work at the same job, and I’m not in that dead end relationship anymore. In fact, it’ll be one year since we broke up in a couple days. The girl I’ve been in this season of life has done a lot of growing up. I’ve taken more responsibility for myself and my decisions. It’s been an ugly, messy process, but the results are turning me into someone I know better and at least like.

On a slightly chilly November night last year, I finally said what I wanted to say, what I needed to say. My relationship was broken, and I didn’t know how to fix it. I’d stopped trying to fix it years ago. I wasn’t the only one who appeared to have given up. MensHealth hadn’t invested in our relationship in quite some time either. It was time to let it go, to throw the whole relationship away. So I called it.

The time between knowing it was time to go and going was much longer than it probably should have been, but it was well spent. I was able to walk away feeling peace about it. I had given my blood sweat tears and guts to this thing that just wasn’t meant to be. It hurt a lot more trying to hold on to it than it did to let go. The relief I felt in that moment…it was like when you get that first big gulp of fresh air after choking on smoke. I was right. Once the decision was truly made, I was able to breathe again.

If I’m going to keep writing here, the tone will be dramatically different. I don’t need this place to be my struggle bus chronicles where I list all the things I’ve been biting my tongue not to say. I don’t quite know what this space should look like anymore. Whatever it looks like, though, I’m so glad it’s not what it was.

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